There seems to be an idea that asking someone what they'd like somehow takes the magic out of giving a gift.
Where's the surprise?
Surely you should know them well enough?
Isn't it more meaningful if you choose something yourself?
I'm not convinced.
I ask.
And there is a very good reason for this.
Years ago, I gave someone a gift. Some time later, I received that very same gift back.
Not something similar.
The gift.
Even the gift bag had made the return journey.
Now, I am unfortunately not blessed with one of those faces that politely conceals what the brain is thinking. There was a moment. Then came the horrible realisation on the giver's face.
They remembered.
I knew.
They knew I knew.
There really wasn't anywhere for either of us to go.
Fortunately, we eventually had a good laugh about it and I told them not to worry — they could expect it back the following year.
And that, really, is why I don't think there's anything wrong with asking.
But wasn't asking once considered a bit rude?
There certainly has been an etiquette around gifts that says the recipient shouldn't appear demanding and the giver should choose freely. Even today, many of us feel slightly uncomfortable when someone asks, "What would you like?"
Which is probably why one of the most useless answers in the English language invariably appears:
"Anything."
Anything?
I have yet to find Anything on a shelf.
Not at the supermarket.
Not at the shopping centre.
And certainly not at SISU.
What exactly falls under Anything?
A lovely body cream?
A power bank?
A bottle of something smelly?
A bag of manure?
Those dreaded socks?
You haven't narrowed the field. You've given the poor person the entire field.
And there is an awful lot in that field these days.
We've been telling people what we want for years
Think about weddings.
Wedding registries became mainstream roughly a century ago. Chicago department store Marshall Field's is widely credited with introducing its bridal registry service in 1924, allowing couples to indicate the china, silver and crystal patterns they wanted. The idea helped guests choose and helped couples avoid duplicates and unwanted presents.
Today we barely blink at wedding lists.
We have baby registries.
Birthday wish lists.
Christmas lists.
Secret Santa wish lists.
So somewhere along the line we've already agreed that giving the giver a clue isn't terribly offensive after all.
And science has gone poking around in our gift cupboards too.
Researchers Francesca Gino and Francis Flynn conducted five studies looking at requested and unrequested gifts, including wedding gifts, birthday gifts and wish lists.
Their finding?
Recipients were more appreciative of gifts they had explicitly requested than gifts the giver had chosen independently.
Here's the really interesting bit: the people giving the presents tended to believe that choosing something themselves would appear more thoughtful.
The recipients didn't agree.
They actually regarded the requested gifts as more thoughtful and personal.
So perhaps asking isn't the lazy option after all.
Perhaps listening is part of the gift.
Just don't ask me what I want and expect an immediate answer
There is, of course, another problem.
Being asked what you want can be surprisingly difficult.
I've done it myself.
"What would you like?"
"Oh, anything will do."
There it is again.
Anything.
Sometimes you genuinely don't know. Sometimes saying exactly what you want feels greedy. Sometimes your brain apparently deletes every single thing you've wanted for the previous six months the moment somebody asks you.
So I think we could make this much easier on everybody.
Give them five things.
Not necessarily five exact products.
Five ideas.
I'd love something lovely for the bath.
I really need a power bank.
I've been wanting a new travel mug.
Anything for the garden would make me happy.
I love beautiful things for the kitchen.
There.
You've narrowed down the enormous universe of Anything, but the giver still gets to choose.
There is still a surprise.
And there's a much better chance that their hard-earned money is going towards something you'll actually enjoy.
When I don't ask
There is one exception.
Sometimes I see something and immediately think:
Ohhhh, so-and-so cannot possibly go another day without owning that.
Then all bets are off.
That's when I shoot from the hip.
Because sometimes the present finds the person before you've even thought about giving them one.
But when I'm deliberately setting out to buy somebody a birthday present, Christmas present or other gift?
I'll ask.
I'd rather spoil a tiny bit of the surprise than spend good money buying something destined for the back of a cupboard.
Or worse...
have it come back to me.
Gift bag and all.